I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
