sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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