i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
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Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
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How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups