my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
