you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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