Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
