I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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