On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
