I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Randomize
