dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
she smelled like a LAN party
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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