We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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