Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
