My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
