like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
My Higher Power is John Stamos
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
