dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
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I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
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U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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