yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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