If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
