I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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