I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
