dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
