I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The ass gains better be worth it
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