the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
