dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
