I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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