Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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