hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
