No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
