I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
