Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
