if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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