We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
