I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
