I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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