Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
