My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
