I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
