dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
