I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
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last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
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Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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