the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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