I think I died a long time ago.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
