I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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