On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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