good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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