News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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