i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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