I don't usually arrange sex via text message
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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