i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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