dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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