My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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