Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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