i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
