My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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