I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
