Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
