Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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