He uses pillows to masturbate.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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