Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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