We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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