I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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