We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
