I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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