U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
