the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
