No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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