i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
