I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.