well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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